EMDR for Perfectionism: Releasing Inner Criticism

I. Introduction: When “Not Good Enough” Runs the Show

Perfectionism isn’t just about having high standards.

It’s often about feeling like you’re never enough—no matter what you do.

You could complete a big project, get praise from others, hit all your goals... and still feel that lingering voice inside saying:

“You missed something.”

“You should’ve done more.”

“You could’ve done it better.”

This voice—often called the inner critic—can be relentless. And over time, it doesn’t just motivate you. It begins to wear you down.

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The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism

While perfectionism might look like success on the outside, on the inside it often comes with:

Chronic anxiety – feeling like something bad will happen if you don’t stay on top of everything
Burnout – constantly working, fixing, editing, or re-doing things until you feel exhausted
Procrastination – putting things off out of fear they won’t be done “right”
Self-doubt – struggling to trust yourself, even when others believe in you
Shame – feeling like you’re falling short of some invisible standard, no matter how hard you try

What’s important to understand is that these symptoms are not personality flaws. They’re the result of your nervous system being stuck in a hypervigilant state—always trying to protect you from the possibility of failure, rejection, or being seen as not good enough.

Perfectionism and the Nervous System

From a neuroscience perspective, perfectionism often arises from early experiences where performance and acceptance became linked.

For example:

If you were praised for being “the smart one” or “the responsible one,” your brain may have learned that being perfect = love and safety.
If you were criticized, compared, or shamed, your nervous system may have started scanning for errors constantly to avoid future pain.
If love, approval, or stability was unpredictable, perfectionism may have developed as a way to stay in control.

These patterns become deeply ingrained, not just in your thinking—but in how your body responds to stress, uncertainty, or attention.

And because these responses are stored in implicit memory (nonverbal, emotional memory), you can’t simply think or talk your way out of them. That’s why many people say things like:

“I know I don’t need to be perfect... but I still feel like I do.”

Why EMDR Therapy Can Help Where Talk Therapy Stops

EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is uniquely effective for perfectionism because it works beneath the surface—with the nervous system, not just the conscious mind.

It helps you:

Identify the earliest memories and messages that shaped your inner critic
Access the emotional charge connected to those experiences
Use bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping) to reprocess them
Shift the belief from “I must be perfect to be safe” to something more grounded, like “I’m allowed to be human”

In my practice offering EMDR therapy in Denver, I work with many high-functioning, deeply self-aware people who are exhausted by the pressure to keep it all together. They’ve read the books, tried affirmations, even gone to therapy—but nothing fully changes until we get to the root.

That root lives in the nervous system.

And EMDR therapy knows how to meet it there.

II. What Drives Perfectionism? (It’s Not Just Standards)

Most people think perfectionism is just about having high expectations or wanting to do things well.

But that’s not the full picture.

There’s a big difference between healthy striving and perfectionism.

Healthy striving comes from curiosity, confidence, and a sense of purpose. Perfectionism comes from fear—often fear of rejection, criticism, failure, or not being good enough.

And here’s the important part: That fear didn’t start in adulthood. It usually started early—long before you knew you were even trying to be perfect.

Perfectionism Is a Nervous System Response

The brain and body are built to keep us safe when we experience painful or overwhelming moments—especially as kids—our nervous system stores those experiences and creates protective strategies to help us survive.

Perfectionism is often one of those strategies.

Let’s say:

You were only praised when you achieved something
You were criticized or ignored when you made a mistake
You felt like you had to be the responsible one in your family
You were in an unpredictable or emotionally unsafe environment

Your nervous system may have wired in the belief:

“If I do everything perfectly, maybe I’ll avoid getting hurt.”

So the inner critic forms—not to torture you, but to protect you.

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It becomes the voice that says:

“Be better, or they’ll leave.”
“Don’t mess up, or you’ll be embarrassed.”
“Keep trying harder, or they’ll see you don’t belong.”

Even if those experiences happened years ago, the emotional imprint remains—especially if it was never fully processed.

This is where EMDR therapy shines.

Why the Mind Alone Can’t Shift It

Here’s the tricky thing: perfectionistic patterns are often implicit, meaning they’re stored in parts of the brain that don’t respond to logic or insight.

You might know you're allowed to make mistakes. You might believe others will still care about you.

But your body still reacts with tension, fear, or shame the moment things feel imperfect.

That’s because the root of perfectionism is stored in your limbic system and sensory memory, not your conscious thought.

So, no matter how much you journal, read, or try to think differently… the inner critic stays active.

What EMDR Therapy Does Differently

In EMDR therapy, we work directly with the emotional and body-based memories that created your perfectionism in the first place.

We don’t just analyze the critic—we listen to it, track where it came from, and give your system a chance to let go of the old fear it’s been carrying.

In my experience offering EMDR therapy in Denver, perfectionism is rarely about perfection—it’s about pain. And when we give the body a chance to reprocess that pain, something shifts.

You stop living from fear. And start living from trust.

III. The Inner Critic Is Trying to Protect You

It might sound strange, but that voice inside—the one that constantly tells you to do more, be better, and never mess up—isn’t actually trying to hurt you.

It’s trying to protect you.

That inner critic formed for a reason.

Somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that being hard on yourself helped you:

Avoid getting in trouble
Stay in someone’s good graces
Prevent disappointment or rejection
Maintain control in an unpredictable environment
Outperform the feeling of not being enough

So while the critic feels harsh, underneath it is a protective impulse. One that says:

“If I stay on top of everything, maybe I won’t get hurt again.”

The problem? That protection strategy never got updated.

Even though you may now be in safe, supportive, and healthier environments… your body hasn’t fully gotten the memo. It’s still using the old rulebook.

From Enemy to Ally: Understanding the Critic’s Role

Through the lens of EMDR therapy, we don’t just try to shut the critic down. We explore where it came from, what it was protecting, and what your system actually needed at the time.

Once that protective part feels heard and understood, it can begin to relax. You don’t have to fight it anymore—you can integrate it.

This is one of the most powerful shifts I see in my practice offering EMDR therapy in Denver:

Clients stop seeing their inner critic as the enemy…And start recognizing it as a wounded part of them that was doing its best.

From there, we can help that part heal, not with more self-discipline but with compassion, regulation, and nervous system reprocessing.

So if that critical voice has been running your life…Know this:

It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your system is still protecting an old wound.

And the good news? That wound can heal.

You don’t have to be ruled by the critic forever.

IV. Bonus Section: Why It’s Hard to Let Go (Even If It Hurts)

One of the most confusing things about perfectionism is this:

You know it’s exhausting…You know it’s hurting your well-being…And yet… a part of you is afraid to let it go.

That fear is real. And it's not irrational.

In fact, it makes complete sense when you understand how the nervous system works.

Perfectionism Often Feels Safer Than Vulnerability

For many people, perfectionism isn’t just about being impressive—it’s about being safe.

Somewhere in your early environment, you may have learned:

“If I’m perfect, maybe I won’t be criticized.”
“If I keep everything under control, I won’t be abandoned.”
“If I always perform well, maybe I’ll be seen, loved, or accepted.”

So, the pressure to be perfect becomes a kind of emotional armor.

Letting go of it—even just softening it—can feel scary. Like you’re becoming exposed. Unprotected. Vulnerable.

That’s why simply “telling yourself to relax” doesn’t work . Because deep down, your nervous system might equate imperfection with danger.

EMDR Therapy Respects This Protective Layer

This is where EMDR therapy is so different from performance-based self-help or mindset strategies.

Instead of trying to override your fear with logic or willpower, EMDR meets your system where it’s at.

In EMDR, we go back to the moments where that pressure first formed—moments your body interpreted as unsafe, shaming, or overwhelming.

And we help your system reprocess those experiences through bilateral stimulation, so it no longer needs to use perfectionism as protection.

Over time, your nervous system begins to realize:

“I’m safe now. I don’t need to over-function to be okay.”

In my experience offering EMDR therapy in Denver, this moment is where the deepest shifts begin.

People don’t lose their ambition or drive. They lose the fear that’s been driving them.

So, if part of you wants to change… but another part is scared to stop striving:

That’s not resistance. That’s wisdom. It just needs support.

Letting go doesn’t mean losing control. It means gaining freedom.

V. How EMDR Helps You Rewire That Inner Voice

By now, you might be wondering:

“Okay, I get why I’m perfectionistic…But how do I actually change it?”

This is where EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) offers something unique.

It doesn’t just help you understand the perfectionistic patterns intellectually. It helps your nervous system feel safe enough to release them.

Why Perfectionism Lives in the Nervous System

The inner critic and perfectionism are often stored in what's called implicit memory—nonverbal, emotional memory that's formed through experience, not language.

So even if you know you're allowed to make mistakes…Even if you believe no one expects you to be perfect…

Your body may still respond as if making a mistake is dangerous.

That’s because part of your brain—specifically the amygdala and limbic system—still holds onto the emotional charge of earlier experiences:

Moments when you were shamed, judged, or ignored
Situations where you felt you had to earn love or approval
Times when you were told—explicitly or not—that being perfect kept you safe

How EMDR Therapy Works

In EMDR therapy, we use bilateral stimulation (like side-to-side eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones) to activate both hemispheres of your brain while you bring up a memory, belief, or body sensation.

This allows your brain to do what it couldn’t do at the time:

Revisit the experience without overwhelm
Process and file the memory in a new, less threatening way
Update the belief that got locked in at the time

Instead of reinforcing “I have to be perfect to be okay,”your system begins to integrate something new, like:

“I can be human and still be loved.”“It’s okay to rest.”“I don’t have to earn my worth.”

These aren’t affirmations you force—they arise naturally from your system when the old emotional charge is released.

What This Looks Like in Practice

In my EMDR therapy practice in Denver, here’s what the process often looks like for someone working through perfectionism:

We start with what’s happening now—like anxiety at work, procrastination, or an inner voice that won’t let you rest.
We explore the earlier life experiences connected to those feelings.
We use EMDR to process those memories in a safe, titrated way.
As the emotional weight releases, we begin to install more supportive beliefs—ones that feel true in your body, not just your head.

Clients often describe the shift as quiet but profound. They feel lighter, clearer, and less reactive when things aren’t perfect.

You don’t have to fight your inner critic. You can rewire it—with care, with support, and with a therapy method that reaches the parts of you that words alone can’t.

VI. What Clients Often Say After EMDR for Perfectionism

Perfectionism can feel so deeply wired that people often wonder,

“Is this just who I am?”

But the truth is—when the root causes are addressed through EMDR therapy, the shift can be surprisingly profound.

Not loud.Not dramatic.Just… different.

Here’s what clients often say:

“I still care about doing a good job—but it’s not crushing me anymore.”

“I used to panic over making a mistake. Now I can pause, correct it, and move on.”

“The pressure’s not gone completely… but it doesn’t control me like it used to.”

“I feel more human. More real. Less stuck in my head.”

What Changes—And What Doesn’t

Here’s the thing: EMDR doesn’t erase your drive, ambition, or desire to improve.

What it does is loosen the grip of fear. The belief that you’re not allowed to mess up.The nervous system reflex that treats every imperfection like a threat.

After EMDR therapy, many clients still strive—but they do it from a place of grounded self-worth, not anxiety or self-doubt.

They feel calmer inside.

More focused.

More confident—even when things don’t go perfectly.

In my work providing EMDR therapy in Denver, this is one of the most rewarding transformations to witness:

The person who used to rewrite every email three times starts hitting send with ease.
The person who never felt good enough starts setting boundaries.
The person who tied their worth to performance begins to rest—without guilt.

These shifts are not about changing who you are.

They’re about helping you come back to who you were—before fear started running the show.

VII. You Deserve More Than Just High Standards—You Deserve Peace

Perfectionism may have helped you succeed.

It may have helped you earn respect, stay in control, or keep things from falling apart.

But if you’re honest—it’s also exhausting.

It keeps you on edge.

It disconnects you from your joy.

It tells you you're only as good as your last accomplishment.

And that’s not the kind of life you were meant to live.

You deserve more than survival mode.

You deserve more than endless striving.

You deserve to feel safe inside your own mind—even when things aren’t perfect.

In EMDR therapy, we don’t take away your drive, ambition, or standards.

We simply help you release the fear that’s been attached to them. So you can lead, create, love, and show up—not from pressure, but from clarity, calm, and confidence.

If you’re ready to soften that inner critic…If you’re tired of measuring your worth by your productivity…If you want to feel more peace without sacrificing who you are…

Let’s talk.

💬 I offer a free 30-minute Zoom consultation to see if EMDR is the right fit for your healing journey. Whether you're local or online, I provide EMDR therapy in Denver for adults who are ready to grow in a new, sustainable way.

You don’t have to earn your worth anymore.

You’re already enough.

Let’s help your nervous system believe that too.

References

Badenoch, B. (2008). Being a Brain-Wise Therapist: A Practical Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology. W. W. Norton & Company.

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

Korn, D. L. (2009). EMDR and the treatment of complex PTSD: A review. Journal of EMDR Practice and Research, 3(4), 264–278. https://doi.org/10.1891/1933-3196.3.4.264

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures (3rd ed.). The Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

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Dennis Guyvan, a therapist in Denver, CO. He provides individual in-person/online therapy and life coaching in Denver, CO and online coaching worldwide . Schedule your free 30-minute therapy consultation with Dennis Guyvan.