Using EMDR to Heal the Fear of Rejection and Being Unlovable
- Dennis Guyvan
- Nov 3
- 8 min read
I. Introduction
Have you ever felt like no matter how much love or reassurance you receive, a part of you still fears being left behind?
Do you often wonder, “Would people still love me if they really knew me?”
If you’ve carried the weight of feeling unlovable, or constantly worry that others might reject or abandon you, you’re not alone. These thoughts might seem irrational on the surface, but they often point to something much deeper—a nervous system that's still bracing for emotional pain based on past experiences.
At the core of many people’s struggles with connection, intimacy, and self-worth is a painful belief:
👉 “I’m not lovable.”
👉 “If I let people see the real me, they’ll leave.”
These beliefs don’t come out of nowhere. They are often the result of attachment wounds, emotional neglect, or rejection earlier in life that left a lasting imprint—not just in your mind, but in your body.
Fortunately, this can be healed.
EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a research-backed, somatic approach that helps individuals safely revisit the origin of these beliefs and release the emotional charge that keeps them stuck. Whether you’ve done years of inner work or you’re just beginning to explore therapy, EMDR can offer profound shifts in how you relate to yourself and others.
If you’re in Colorado and looking for someone who can support this journey, I offer EMDR therapy in Denver—both in-person and virtually—to help you reconnect with your worth and feel safe in your relationships again.
II. The Hidden Wounds of Rejection
So where do these fears come from?
Think back to your earliest relationships. Were you comforted when you were upset? Were your feelings welcomed—or dismissed? Did love feel predictable, or did it come with conditions?
Sometimes the belief “I’m unlovable” develops from overt trauma—emotional abuse, abandonment, bullying. But more often, it comes from subtle, chronic emotional experiences that didn’t look like trauma from the outside but felt deeply disconnecting on the inside.
For example:
Being raised by emotionally unavailable caregivers
Receiving love only when you were “well-behaved” or successful
Being told to “toughen up” or “not be so sensitive”
Feeling invisible or like your needs were too much
These early experiences shape how your nervous system responds to relationships. Your brain learns to associate vulnerability with danger. So as an adult, even small moments—like a delayed text, a weird look, or honest feedback—can trigger a disproportionate wave of fear, shame, or shutdown.
This isn’t just in your head—it’s in your body.That racing heart when someone seems distant.The pit in your stomach when you sense disapproval.The instinct to pull away when things get too intimate.
That’s your nervous system trying to protect you based on old programming.
The good news? EMDR therapy is designed to gently help your brain and body rewire that programming. By processing the memories and messages that originally shaped your fear of rejection, EMDR allows your system to finally experience safety in connection.
In my practice offering EMDR therapy in Denver, I’ve seen clients go from constantly questioning their worth to feeling deeply rooted in their sense of value. The transformation isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about returning to who you were before fear took over.
III. What Is EMDR Therapy—and How Does It Help?
If you’ve ever said to yourself, “I know I shouldn’t take things so personally, but I can’t help it,” you’re not weak—you’re human. When painful emotional experiences aren’t fully processed, they don’t just go away. They get stored in your nervous system, continuing to influence your beliefs, your reactions, and your relationships—often below the level of conscious awareness.
That’s exactly where EMDR therapy comes in.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful, evidence-based therapy originally developed for trauma and PTSD. But its applications have expanded far beyond that. Today, EMDR is used worldwide to help people heal from:
Attachment wounds
Anxiety
Low self-worth
Shame
Fear of abandonment
Chronic self-criticism
What makes EMDR therapy so unique is that it allows your brain and body to reprocess past experiences that are still running the show in the present. Using bilateral stimulation (eye movements, tapping, or sounds), EMDR helps your brain access these stuck emotional memories and shift the meaning you made of them.
In simpler terms: if you internalized the message “I’m not lovable” during a painful moment as a child, EMDR helps your system update that belief with something more true and empowering—like “I am worthy of love, even when I’m not perfect.”
You don’t have to relive the pain in detail. EMDR creates a structured, resourced space where you can process what happened in a way that feels safe, contained, and even empowering.
And if you're seeking a compassionate, trauma-informed environment, I offer EMDR therapy in Denver to support this kind of deep inner shift—whether you’re healing a specific experience or a lifetime of feeling “not enough.”
IV. The Fear of Rejection Lives in the Body
Have you ever felt that pang of dread when someone pulls away emotionally? Or gone into overthinking spirals when someone doesn't text back right away?
That’s not just anxiety—it’s your nervous system reacting to a perceived threat.
You might know intellectually that you’re not being rejected, but your body doesn’t feel that way. It’s still operating from an old template where disconnection meant danger. That’s because emotional trauma—especially around love and rejection—isn’t just stored in the mind. It’s stored in the body.
When we fear rejection, our body often responds in one of three ways:
Fight – Becoming defensive, critical, or controlling to avoid vulnerability.
Flight – Withdrawing emotionally or avoiding closeness altogether.
Freeze/Fawn – Shutting down or people-pleasing to preserve connection at all costs.
These responses aren’t flaws. They’re intelligent adaptations to emotional pain that once felt overwhelming.
The challenge is, those survival responses don’t always turn off—especially when you’ve never had the chance to feel fully safe in love.
That’s why EMDR therapy is so effective. Unlike cognitive approaches that focus solely on thoughts, EMDR taps into the emotional and somatic roots of rejection fear. It helps the body release the tension, hypervigilance, or collapse that’s become second nature.
In sessions, clients often report feeling a sense of softening—a new spaciousness in the body—as if the fear finally gets to exhale. Over time, this creates a felt sense of safety in relationships. You begin to trust:
“Even if someone doesn’t approve of me, I’m still okay.”
“Even if love isn’t perfect, I don’t have to abandon myself.”
In my work offering EMDR therapy in Denver, I integrate both trauma and somatic principles to help clients heal not just the story—but the body's memory of disconnection. And that’s where lasting transformation happens.
V. What Changes After EMDR?
You might be wondering, “But what actually changes after EMDR? Will I just think differently, or will I feel different too?”
The answer is: both.
One of the most profound shifts clients notice after EMDR therapy is that the emotional charge behind their triggers softens—or disappears altogether. The old fear that used to hijack your thoughts, tighten your chest, or shut you down? It no longer holds the same power.
Here’s what healing often looks like after EMDR:
💬 You stop replaying conversations or overanalyzing what people think of you.
💛 You begin to speak up with more ease—without that wave of guilt or self-doubt afterward.
🌿 You feel safe setting boundaries because your worth no longer depends on being liked.
🧠 You respond instead of react—because your nervous system isn't constantly scanning for rejection.
These shifts don’t come from logic or willpower. They come from reprocessing the root experiences that shaped your fear of rejection in the first place.
Clients often say things like:
“I didn’t even realize how much I was bracing for rejection until I wasn’t anymore.”
“I finally feel like I can breathe around people—and just be myself.”
The truth is, when your system no longer interprets connection as dangerous, everything opens up. You become more present, more grounded, and more you.
In my EMDR therapy Denver practice, I’ve seen clients go from anxious and avoidant to confident, connected, and emotionally available. Not because they became someone new—but because they remembered who they were before fear took over.
VI. You’re Not Too Much. You’re Not Broken. You’re Lovable.
If no one has ever said this to you before, let me say it now:
You’re not too sensitive.
You’re not too needy.
You’re not broken.
You are lovable.
If that’s hard to believe, that’s okay. That belief takes time to land—not just in your mind, but in your nervous system.
When we carry old emotional wounds, they shape how we see ourselves and how we imagine others see us. But those beliefs were learned—and that means they can be unlearned.
Through EMDR therapy, you’re not just talking about what hurt—you’re releasing it. You’re giving your brain and body a chance to reprocess those defining moments where you felt unworthy or rejected—and replace them with truth: that your worth has never been up for debate.
You don’t have to keep shrinking, pleasing, or second-guessing yourself. You don’t have to earn love by editing who you are. You can heal. You can feel safe. You can connect—fully, authentically, and without fear.
And if you’re ready to begin that journey, I’d love to support you. I offer EMDR therapy in Denver, with both in-person and online options, for individuals who are ready to heal from the inside out.
VII. Ready to Begin?
If you’ve made it this far, take a moment to acknowledge something important:You’re already doing the work.The fact that you’re reading this—reflecting, resonating, exploring—means a part of you is ready for healing.
You don’t have to keep living in fear of rejection.
You don’t have to keep questioning your worth or editing yourself to feel accepted.
There is a way forward—and it’s not about becoming someone new.
It’s about coming home to who you’ve always been, beneath the fear.
EMDR therapy offers a clear, compassionate, and research-supported path to do exactly that. Whether you’re navigating old attachment wounds, childhood neglect, or a deep sense of being “too much” or “not enough,” EMDR can help your nervous system feel safe in love and connection again.
If you’re looking for a gentle yet effective way to process these wounds, I offer EMDR therapy in Denver to support individuals like you—people who are sensitive, self-aware, and ready for lasting change. I also offer virtual sessions for those outside the area or who prefer the comfort of their own space.
💬 Let’s start with a free consultation. You can ask questions, share a bit of your story, and see if we’re a good fit. No pressure—just a space to explore what healing could look like for you.
You don’t have to do this alone.
You’re worthy of love.
And it’s absolutely possible to believe that—not just in your mind, but in your body.
✨ Ready to take the first step? Book your free 30-minute consultation.
References
American Psychological Association. (2023). Understanding trauma. https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures (3rd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
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Dennis Guyvan, a therapist in Denver, CO. He provides individual in-person/online therapy and life coaching in Denver, CO and online coaching worldwide . Schedule your free 30-minute therapy consultation with Dennis Guyvan.
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