Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners (And How EMDR Therapy Helps)
- Dennis Guyvan
- Oct 27
- 8 min read
I. Introduction
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep ending up with people who can’t meet me emotionally?”
Maybe the relationship starts off passionate and promising, but soon you find yourself doing all the emotional work. You open up, lean in, try harder—while the other person stays distant, inconsistent, or emotionally shut down.
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Many people—especially those who are thoughtful, sensitive, and self-aware—find themselves caught in this cycle.
You may have even asked:
“Why do I keep ending up in relationships that feel one-sided or unfulfilling?”
“Is there a deeper pattern behind the kind of people I’m drawn to?”
“Why am I so attracted to people who can’t meet me emotionally?”
The truth is, this pattern isn’t about being broken. It’s about what your nervous system has learned to expect in love.
Even when your mind says, “I want something different,” your body might still be pulled toward what feels familiar—even if it’s painful.
This is why insight alone often isn’t enough to break the cycle. We need a deeper approach—one that rewires the emotional and physiological roots of your relationship patterns.
That’s where EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) comes in.
In my work offering EMDR therapy in Denver, I help clients identify and reprocess the subconscious beliefs and body-based memories that keep them stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics. When we do this work together, your nervous system begins to learn that it’s safe to receive love, express needs, and be met emotionally.
II. Why We’re Drawn to What’s Familiar (Even When It Hurts)
Let’s start with a hard truth: We don’t choose partners with our logic. We choose them with our nervous system.
This means that even if you know someone isn’t right for you, there may be something about their emotional distance or unpredictability that feels oddly… familiar.
That familiarity often comes from early attachment experiences. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, inconsistent, or unavailable, your nervous system likely adapted by working harder to be seen, staying small to avoid rejection, or learning not to expect emotional presence at all.
Over time, those adaptations become unconscious blueprints for adult relationships.
Here are a few common messages that form during early bonding experiences:
“I have to prove myself to be loved.”
“If I need too much, I’ll push people away.”
“I’m safer when I stay quiet, strong, or low-maintenance.”
“Love means longing and chasing—it’s not something I can just receive.”
So when you meet someone who’s emotionally unavailable, it doesn’t feel wrong—it feels familiar. It mirrors the early wiring of your nervous system. And in a strange way, part of you may hope that if you can just make this person love you, you’ll finally get the connection you’ve been craving all along.
This is called “repetition compulsion”—a concept first introduced by Freud and later expanded upon in trauma theory. It refers to the tendency to unconsciously recreate familiar painful dynamics in an attempt to master or resolve them.
But here’s the problem: these patterns aren’t usually healed through repetition.They’re healed through processing and integration—which is exactly what EMDR therapy supports.
By using EMDR, we can access the original relational wounds that trained your system to chase emotionally unavailable love. Once we locate those experiences, your brain begins to reprocess them through bilateral stimulation. This helps you separate past threat from present-day reality—and begin to respond from your adult self, not your wounded younger self.
This work isn’t just psychological—it’s neurobiological. And it’s why EMDR has been so effective for helping people break free from deeply ingrained relationship patterns.
If you’re ready to stop repeating the same heartbreak cycle, EMDR therapy in Denver offers a powerful, body-informed way forward.
III. How EMDR Helps Break the Cycle
If you’ve ever said to yourself, “I know they’re not right for me, but I can’t help being drawn to them,” you’re not alone—and you’re not irrational. This is your nervous system doing what it was conditioned to do.
That’s why traditional talk therapy, while insightful, sometimes leaves these relationship patterns intact. You might understand your attachment style or childhood wounds—but still feel that magnetic pull toward emotionally unavailable partners.
Here’s where EMDR therapy becomes a game changer.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a structured, evidence-based therapy originally designed to help people heal from trauma. Over time, it’s been expanded to include a wide range of emotional and relational challenges—including attachment wounds, abandonment trauma, and relationship anxiety.
So, how does EMDR therapy work in this context?
Step 1: Identify the Origin Story
Together, we explore early relational experiences that laid the foundation for your beliefs about love, worthiness, and emotional connection. This might include:
A parent who was emotionally distant or unpredictable
A caregiver who only showed affection when you performed or stayed “easy”
A first love who ghosted, betrayed, or emotionally shut down
These memories often carry implicit beliefs like:
“I have to earn love.”
“I’m too much.”
“People always leave.”
Step 2: Reprocess the Memory
Once we identify these key memories, EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation—such as eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones—to help your brain reprocess them. This allows you to desensitize the emotional charge and rewire the meaning you made of the experience.
In EMDR terms, we move from a negative belief like:
“I don’t matter.” to a positive, embodied belief like:“I am worthy of consistent, available love.”
This process is not just about changing your thoughts—it’s about creating a felt sense of safety in your body. As the nervous system begins to associate love with ease, presence, and stability (rather than fear and chasing), your attraction patterns naturally begin to shift.
Clients often report:
No longer feeling anxious around emotionally available people
Losing interest in partners who play games or stay distant
Feeling more confident setting boundaries early on
Attracting people who can meet them with emotional depth and consistency
In my practice offering EMDR therapy in Denver, I’ve witnessed these shifts firsthand—and the relief that comes when clients realize they’re no longer stuck in the same painful loop. Instead of “trying harder,” they start feeling free to choose love that feels mutual, safe, and grounded.
IV. This Isn’t Just About Dating—It’s About Self-Worth
Many people assume relationship struggles are about “bad luck” or “bad timing.” But in somatic and trauma-informed work, we look deeper. Repeated heartbreak is often a reflection of your internalized beliefs about worthiness and belonging.
Let me ask you:
Do you believe you have to work hard to be loved?
Do you feel like your needs are a burden?
Do you second-guess your instincts when something doesn’t feel right?
These beliefs aren’t just thoughts. They’re body-held memories—survival strategies your system developed to keep you connected in environments where emotional safety wasn’t guaranteed.
This is why EMDR therapy is so effective. It doesn’t just ask you to “think differently”—it helps your body feel differently. It rewires the part of your brain that links love with anxiety, abandonment, or shame.
The transformation often sounds like:
“I used to feel invisible—now I speak up and expect to be heard.”“I don’t feel the same panic when someone takes space.”“I finally believe I deserve mutual love—not crumbs.”
When you believe, deep in your nervous system, that you are lovable as you are, everything changes. You stop chasing. You stop tolerating mixed signals. You start expecting reciprocity—and you recognize when it's missing.
Through EMDR therapy in Denver, I help clients move from overfunctioning, anxious attachment to secure, embodied self-worth. And from that place, relationships become something radically different: safe, mutual, nourishing.
V. What Healthy Love Feels Like (And Why It Might Feel Unfamiliar at First)
One of the most surprising things clients tell me after doing deep work with EMDR therapy is this:
“I met someone who’s actually kind, consistent, and emotionally present… and I wasn’t sure if I liked them at first.”
Sound familiar?
If you’ve spent years chasing emotionally unavailable partners, it’s completely normal for secure, healthy love to feel… well, kind of boring at first. Not because it is boring—but because your nervous system isn’t used to it.
Why Secure Love Can Feel “Off” at First
When your nervous system is conditioned to equate love with emotional highs and lows—mixed signals, unpredictability, longing—it wires those dynamics as “familiar” or even “exciting.” So when you meet someone who doesn’t trigger anxiety, who actually texts back, shows up, and wants to know you… part of you may question it.
You might ask:
“Where’s the spark?”
“Why does this feel too easy?”
“Am I settling?”
But what’s really happening is this: your body is learning that love doesn’t have to feel like survival.And that takes adjustment.
This is one of the most profound benefits of EMDR therapy. By helping you reprocess past attachment wounds and release the emotional charge tied to unavailable love, your nervous system begins to associate safety—not chaos—with connection.
In my practice offering EMDR therapy in Denver, I help clients move through this phase with compassion and clarity. We don’t rush it. We stay curious about the sensations and beliefs that show up when healthy love enters the picture.
What Healthy Love Actually Feels Like
As your system heals, here’s what starts to feel more familiar (and eventually… desirable):
Emotional consistency
Open and reciprocal communication
Feeling calm, grounded, and valued—not anxious or uncertain
Respect for your boundaries and needs
The ability to be fully yourself—without walking on eggshells
This may feel subtle compared to the high of emotional rollercoasters—but it’s real. And it’s sustainable. It’s not about a dopamine spike—it’s about deep nervous system safety.
Letting Your Nervous System Catch Up to Your Desires
Healing with EMDR therapy isn’t just about saying “I want better”—it’s about helping your body actually believe that better is possible. That it's safe to receive love without needing to prove, chase, or shrink.
And that takes time, care, and intentional support.
The good news? This shift happens. Clients often find themselves not only attracting different partners—but also feeling drawn to them in a way that’s authentic, easeful, and deeply fulfilling.
VI. Ready to Attract Something Different?
If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat it forever. It means your nervous system has been trying to protect you—and now it’s ready for something new.
You don’t need to:
Change your personality to be “less much”
Play it cool to keep someone’s attention
Keep proving your worth to earn love
What you need is healing at the root—the subconscious and somatic level where your attraction patterns were formed.
EMDR therapy offers a direct, compassionate, and effective way to do just that. It helps you release the emotional charge from past relationships, update your beliefs about love, and rewire your nervous system to feel safe with real intimacy.
Through EMDR therapy in Denver, I work with thoughtful, growth-oriented individuals who are ready to stop repeating the past and start building relationships that feel mutual, emotionally nourishing, and aligned with their true selves.
💬 Curious if EMDR could help you break the cycle for good?Let’s talk. I offer a free 30-minute Zoom consultation so you can ask questions, share what’s coming up for you, and explore whether EMDR is the right next step on your healing journey.
You are not too much.
You don’t have to chase love.
You are worthy of connection that feels calm, consistent, and real.
Let’s help your nervous system believe it—so your relationships can reflect it.
Click here to schedule your free 30-minute Zoom consultation.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the Pleasure Principle. International Psycho-Analytical Press.
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures (3rd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
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Dennis Guyvan, a therapist in Denver, CO. He provides individual in-person/online therapy and life coaching in Denver, CO and online coaching worldwide . Schedule your free 30-minute therapy consultation with Dennis Guyvan.
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